Fear - Overcome it or let it overcome me....

I have been riding horses forever. Horses have NEVER scared me - got one that bucks like a bronc? Call Lysh. One that rears? Call Lysh. One that won't stop/steer? Call Lysh! Seriously, I USED to be a great rider. I loved a challenge, craved a challenge and seriously put myself in harms way more times than I can count. BEFORE I had kids. When we lived in North Carolina, a friend would go out to a local dealers farm almost daily and I started tagging along. I had a blast riding all of the different horses he had. There was one in particular, a little appy mare with the "classic" ratty mane and tail, she was black with roaning - and stocky as all hell. That mare would run thru every bit that they tried. Another friend of Nancy's loved the look of this mare, but the mare kept running off with her. I am not an out going, vocal person, but for some reason I spoke up and asked if I could try her out in the pasture. This poor little mare, she just didn't want people on her mouth. YANK and she'd run - DUH what would YOU do? So I got on her, asked her to walk and she started to trot off "blindly". Instead of panicking, I sat firm, dropped my hands and just played with the bit - give and take, one side then the other and within 15 minutes that little mare was so responsive we were having a blast in the field going around trees, stumps, other horses, calves - Nancy's friend was so impressed she asked what I'd done - I told her, she got on rode the mare all over and then bought her!!

Then we moved home and honestly I don't know when exactly it happened, but I became a basket case. When I met Sammii, she had Image. He was a cute appy gelding, but I learned quickly that he'd dance on his hind legs to try to get out of work. Sam never let him win though - we had a blast trail riding and then took him to a couple shows. He was ok for the most part, but at one show, he reared and drove the horn into Sam's chest. It hurt her so understandably she got off - course, he took that as "I won" and got worse. At the next show, I tried to take him in the ring, and we couldn't get near the gate, he reared, I'd keep at him and he'd try to duck in the barn. I absolutely was not going to let him win but at one point I was afraid he'd take my head off.....and STILL I didn't get down. He went so high once that I thought we were going over, honest to God had we not been so close to someone's brand new shiney truck I would have stepped off and pulled him over - I was THAT frustrated with him.

About a year later, a girl that Vince worked with called and asked if we'd be interested in a quarter horse gelding that a friend of hers was giving away. SURE! We'd go look at least. So we did, turns out the girl who owned the horse is the sister of one of my high school class mates and her husband used to be a police officer and knew Vince. I led Pete around, patted him etc etc and he was fine - a bit spoiled, he loved peppermints but he was a nice horse. We brought him home. One of our first rides, we headed off down the road, I don't have anywhere to ride that goes anywhere without riding on the road, Pete was fine in traffic, and fine when we crossed the bridge, we went a little further and then turned to come home. Just before the bridge, I could hear a car coming so we stopped and waited for it to pass. While we were standing there by the water I saw it....a beaver. Well, I saw it, it saw us, Pete saw it, Pete snorted, beaver dove, beaver slapped it's tail, Pete whirled, Lysh flew thru the air and landed chest first in the gravel - thankfully not on the tar!! I didn't immediately let go of the reins and got a MEGA rope burn over an very new and raw scar from my sliced finger that needed 6 stitches! Pete was in the middle of the road, I thought I heard a car, so my first thought was "GET THE HORSE" - I got up, gasping for air, and stumbled towards Pete - his eyes were HUGE and I swear he was saying "OMG what is this thing coming at me and where'd my person go" - I managed to convince him that I was not a man eating, gasping blob and caught him. I got him to the side of the road and assessed the damage to my hand which was burning like crazy. I had a blood blister over the end of my scar, my thumb and ring finger were rope burned to the point of open sores and I had gravel in my knee and my palm but I was intact otherwise. I walked home. Vince untacked Pete for me and then helped me wash up my hand. A few days later, I took him on a trail ride with friends and he was great, ok it was a fluke! Works for me. Until about 2 months later, I went to get on him, he half reared and I lost my balance and fell backwards onto my wrist. I tried to brush it off, but a few days later, my wrist wa pretty sore and I had a lump so I went to the Dr. The xrays showed a small fracture that had started healing already so she wrapped it and said "take it easy". Yep sure. That was on a Wednesday I think - Sunday I went to a horse show. Pete was fine in the pleasure classes, we went into Barrels, a nice easy lope and he exploded into a bucking fit. I pitched to the right, caught myself but then toppled left. DOH! I landed on my already sore wrist. Monday morning back to the Dr, where I'm told since I won't listen, she's referring me to an Ortho specialist and I'll have to have a cast. Damnit. That was it for me and Pete. His old owner really wanted him back, so back he went. He took a big chunk of my confidence with him.

Then came Bella - she was sweet, she had a buck to her but nothing I couldn't ride out. The night I ducked into the fence and was greeted with BOTH her hind feet directly to my right thigh and had to pick myself up off the ground THREE FEET from where I'd started - there went Bella and a whole other chunk of my confidence.

In the fall of 2006, I bought Doc. He was a bay tobiano APHA stallion. Advertised as breeding stallion ONLY because of a bucking problem. Huh. We'll see right? Well, I started riding him. Not so much as a buck, ear twitch nothing. I rode him down the road, we went on a couple small trails he was great. We took the winter off, and as soon as the ground was safe in April and we were going fantastically walk/trot. And then it happened. I decided to take a short cut and get on him in the driveway one day. It was windy. I didn't have the reins securely in my hand, when I stepped up, he moved off. Instead of stepping down, collecting myself and him - I swung my leg over....bumped his hip and I honestly don't know if he bucked, side stepped or stood on his head. Next thing I knew I was laying on the ground - I sat up and the world was spinning. I was facing the OPPOSITE direction, my arm hurt like hell, my head hurt and Doc was loose! Thankfully Vince was right there, unfortunately so was Kenneth. I yelled for Vince to get Doc, and Kenneth was at my side asking if I was ok. I touched my head and didn't see blood on my hand so figured I just needed a little time to collect my head....and then Ken said "mommy you're bleeding" to which I said, "no honey I'm not" and by that time Vince had put Doc away and was at my side - sure enough, my blonde hair was red. Damn. Vince got a towel for my head and tried to help me up - my head hurt so bad it was definitely NOT funny. We took Kenneth to Gram's, Vince called Casey and asked her to call the ER and give them a heads up (just as a side note - I've been there so often when she said "my sister in law fell off her horse and has a head injury" they knew who she was talking about!!) After a CT scan and xrays it was determined that I did in fact have a brain LOL, no broken bones thank goodness. They argued about whether or not I actually had a cut on my head, and the Dr actually tried to tell me that it was probably just a piece of gravel that had punctured my scalp - the nurse commenced to scrubbing the hell out of my head, and then went "oh dear" and left to get the Dr. I had a CUT big enough to need 10 staples!!! I left the ER with a script for pain pills (which I never did fill), instructions to take it VERY easy, the OK to take a quick shower to get the blood out of my hair and absolutely NO confidence left.

That fall, I lost Buck and a huge part of my heart. I brought home Tanner - supposedly a fantastic trail horse - he flipped himself over on me. Another chunk of confidence gone. By now I'm negative confidence points!!! Along came Beau. He was a FANTASTIC riding horse - I love him and had a blast on him - HOWEVER, safety is a big concern with 3 kids, friends, friends kids, etc etc etc and about the 5th time he literally came OVER his stall door and tried to bite someone I said "enough" and sold him at an incredible loss, but safety comes first.

Now I have a big problem. Do I throw in the towel and save a lot of money, but sacrifice my sanity and happiness? Or do I fight it out? I'm chosing to fight it out - for now at least.....we'll see how it turns out.